When I met him he was really the dream person. He was responsible, funny and smart. He was cute and wholesome as well. Really he was everything a girl dreams about. Well, maybe not every girl. Seems that I thought that was what I wanted. But it turns out he might not be what I want. What makes matters even worse is I think I might not even know what I want at all.
This is a terrible place to be in for me. He's so sensitive that if I tell him the truth it will break his heart. But I love and respect him enough that I would never do anything BUT tell him the truth.
So there lies in the delima. He loves me more than words can describe. He suffocates me with his love. But as soon as I feel a little claustrophobic I start finding ways to get out.
What has happened over the course of only 3 months is this... He moved in too quick. I can be blamed for that one. When he stopped going back home I should have made him go back home but I didn't. We use to go out together and hang out and have a good time. Then when he lost his license he stopped doing all of that. Its like he just didn't want to go anywhere any more. Unfortunately, I am a free spirit and when I feel the need to fly I've got to fly.
When he stopped going out I started to stay at home more and more with him. To keep my mind off the cabin fever and the claustrophobia swelling in my chest I read a lot. I mean I read more than the aver person anyway. But I started reading 3 books in a week. I mean its getting bad. One night while I was about to get to the climax of my book he got upset at me. He was genuinely upset that I was reading my book and not talking to him. You can only imagine my surprise when he was so upset. So I set down my book and asked him what he wanted to talk about. Do you know how he responded?
"Well, I don't know what I want to talk about. I just think we should talk more. Not to mention you seem to talk to your friends all the time when I'm around you must have something to say."
I said, "So you mean to tell me that you think we should talk more but you don't know what to talk about and that I shouldn't talk to my friends when you're around?"
By this time I was so mad I could feel the blood in my face trying to boil out of my skin. He must have seen my face and started to retract when he said but it was already too late for that. What I can't understand is how can tell me not to talk to my friend when he's around ALL THE TIME. See just sitting here, now, typing this I can feel my blood getting warm again. I never thought I could hit him until that moment.
So, he threw this 12 year old temper tantrum and went outside to smoke a cigarette. Out of no where he coming flying through the front door yelling "I don't even know why we try". After that I had to get up from my chair and tell him, "I'm done with this conversation. I don't want to talk about this or to you for that matter until I can cool down". He opened his mouth in protest and I just shook my head.
Since that dredful night I've been seriously concidering what was said and what happened. I don't know what to do about it. But I have a few ideas.
First, I'm too old for him. Not in age but mentally. He still thinks that relationships are like fairly tales and that he's the knight on the white horse. Not only that but he HONESTLY thinks that relationshpis are just suppose to come together with now work. See, I'm a firm beliver that every relationship, no matter the magnatitude, requires work. Granted, some require harder work that others but nork non-the-less.
Second, he wants passion in the relationship. For whatever the reason is I can't give him that. I can't seem to give him that kind of fire he wants. I don't know if its b/c I don't feel that way about him or what. Honestly, I don't EVER remember feeling passionate about someone. Well not since I was at the height of puberty. But who's to say that was "passion" chances are likely it was harmonal obsession. If he wants passion he's going to have to find it in another woman.
Last, but definitely not the least, we come for 2 drastically different world. Now granted I'm not the kind of person who usually takes that into concideration but this is different. He has never "needed" for anything. He's never been in a tight spot that his partens didn't bail him out of. He has no concept of bills, rent, car payment, cell phone bill. Really, it quite amazing. now if you ask him you will find that he tells you a much different story. But really its on a different level. He struggled b/c he couldn't pay the rent so his parents paid for it as well as school and his car papyment and cell phone bill. He's 23 years old. GROW UP! I haven't depended on my parents for that kind of stuff in a long long time. My parents let me go a while ago. I mean don't get me wrong I know I can depend on them for help if its needed but I don't WANT TO NEED it until its almost too late. He says he doesn't want to live in the house I live in anymore b/c it costs too much in utilities. What does he care? He doesn't pay anything to live there, I do. I appreciate the fact I have a roof over my head and simple things like that. To him he needs to live in a NICE place to feel right. BULLSHIT! I would rather be poor and blissfully happy than rich and miserable.
Well, this has turned out to be some great journal entry. First one too. I hope I have many more.